It’s been a crazy few months. Lately there have been lots of changes happening that are leaving me feeling a bit unsettled... a bit unlike myself. It’s as though I’ve forgotten who I really am and what I really wanted out of life in the first place.
I remember when I started this blog, my primary goal was to have a place to record all the positive things that were happening. It has helped me to see the good in my day and seek out social interaction, something that is not a natural tendency for me, but the blog has been a great tool to help me do this. Unfortunately I’ve gotten a bit away from myself, feeling like I have nothing going on and no personal goals. But that’s not what this blog is about. I’ve decided to dedicate my evening post to identifying, or remembering, the reasons behind what I do every day. What is this blog about? What are my values? What kind of person am I aspiring to be?
I want to be the healthiest person I can be. I want to exercise and eat right because it makes me feel good. Not because I have to be the skinniest or the most muscular, but because I will sleep well at night knowing I am doing my best.
I want to take care of my appearance. I want to maintain my desire to dress well and put a little makeup on because I’m putting my best face forward. I’m still working to figure out what my best 30-something married woman face looks like (as opposed to the college girl in the club face) but I will find that vision eventually. I’m sure of it.
I want to be my husband’s favorite person. Yes, I know I already am, but I want to earn it. Forever. I want him to feel like I keep a neat house and fix delicious meals and am necessary to making our household work.
I want to maintain relationships with my friends and family. I don’t want marriage to prompt me to crawl into my little married cave and block the world out. I need to stay out there. I need to be supportive of others. I need to care about what they are doing and saying and make it a point to make plans every so often.
I want to live without fear. I don’t want to second guess myself anymore. It’s exhausting and pointless. I need to move into the next phase of my life without worrying about what is going to happen next. Easier said than done, I know, but I feel a little braver just writing down the words.
It’s hard to believe that even after all these years, I am still trying to figure out who I am, but I guess it’s a lifelong process. People are changing. I am changing. And it’s probably going to happen again and again.